


Emails from the Helicarrier

by Lannister418



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:36:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9387440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lannister418/pseuds/Lannister418
Summary: A series of communiques from Nick Fury and other senior S.H.I.E.L.D Agents dealing with ensuring the day to day smooth running of business.Pure silly entertainment.  Suggestions for subjects always welcome





	1. Helicarrier Public Address System

**Author's Note:**

> Director Fury issues a reminder about proper use of the communication systems  
> All email addresses are fictitious

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Misuse of Helicarrier Public Address System

All S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents and Consultants are to remember that the Helicarrier Public Address System is only to be used for official S.H.I.E.L.D. communications and service announcements pertinent to the smooth and efficient functioning of the ship.

Programming it to play “I’m sexy and I know it” whenever any of the male Avengers come onto the bridge is neither safe, professional nor an appropriate use of time.

Captain Rogers and Dr Banner find it extremely embarrassing and the others do not need the encouragement.  Those who attended the last Helicarrier Christmas Party will recall why we do not need to see certain Avengers ‘wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle’ ever again. 

On a related note, Commander Hill would like me to inform that whoever set the PA system in her Field Office to play “Carameldansen” on a continuous 24-hour loop will find it less painful to own up before she comes and finds you.  Which she will.

Nicholas J Fury

Director


	2. Celebrity Doubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fury addresses what appears to be the current Helicarrier craze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Celebrity Doubles

The fact that certain Hollywood actors bear a startling resemblance to certain Agents is not an excuse to offer ‘inducements’ for them to come aboard the Helicarrier clandestinely and dress as said Agents; not matter how much all parties are ‘into it’

This is a serious breach of security protocols and carries with it the risk of severe legal and financial consequences in the event of an incident.  Full liability will be borne by the Agent or Agents responsible.

It is also extremely confusing for the rest of us.

It was a source of deep public embarrassment for S.H.I.E.L.D. to learn that the last three incursions into HYDRA bases were led by Mr Jeremy Renner while Agent Clint Barton was filming the latest instalment of the ‘Bourne’ franchise.

It is even more embarrassing that this was discovered only because Mr Renner’s mission reports were on time, legible, in the appropriate form and did not sign off with the words ‘Caw Caw, Motherf****rs!’.

On a related note; despite repeated requests from a significant number of agents of both genders, we will not be having a ‘Flex-Off’ to determine who is the real Thor Odinson.

We have a Mjolnir for that.

Nicholas J Fury

Director


	3. Questions of Morale I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can just take a good thing a bit too far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Questions of Morale I

Commander Hill and I are aware of the challenges and difficulties faced by all SHIELD agents and personnel while carrying out the duties required of us all.

We have no issue with any appropriate or approved gesture or activity which helps maintain morale and contributes to a positive working environment.

Having said that, I must inform you that the current trend for knitting novelty Mjolnir cosies and leaving them in the Avengers Common Room for Thor is getting out of hand and is to cease as of this notice.

Thor is very touched by the gifts, enjoys using them and has informed me he will be bringing a special surprise to the next staff party to say ‘thank you’ to everyone; however, I note that a number of these ‘cosies’ are increasingly falling under the category of Not Safe For Work and this trend is rapidly moving along the spectrum from ‘charming’ to ‘just plain creepy’

Commander Hill and I are also sick and tired of tripping over knitting wool every damn place we go. 

Agent Romanoff has also informed me that Agent Barton is in the huff because no one has been knitting novelty arrow cosies.

This is not to be read as encouragement to begin doing so.

Anyone offering to be Agent Barton’s ‘novelty arrow cosy’ will find themselves attending the next six seminars on ‘Appropriate Workplace Behaviour’

Nicholas J Fury

Director

P.S. I have informed Thor that whatever surprise he intends for the party is not to include any alcoholic beverage of Asgardian origin whatsoever; not after the incident at Halloween.

Some of us could happily have gone on not knowing what ‘twerking’ is, or that Agent Sitwell can do it.

 


	4. Vending Machines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Director Fury addresses a small technical problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all email addresses are fictitious  
> Comments and suggestions welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [Helicarrier_Maintenance@SHIELD.com](mailto:Helicarrier_Maintenance@SHIELD.com) [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)      

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: C Deck Vending Machines

Following the announcement from Mr Stark that there is ‘absolutely no reason’ to be concerned about the noises coming the C Deck vending machines all agents and personnel are to evacuate C Deck in an orderly fashion.  An immediate lock-down of that deck has been ordered until all vending machines have been decommissioned and rendered safe.

Mr Stark is reminded that he has been explicitly prohibited from upgrading any SHIELD equipment, hardware or software without written permission and pre-agreed specifications. 

On that note, Maintenance Chief Hogan would like to remind Mr Stark he has not yet dealt with the cleaning bots he unilaterally introduced to ‘speed things up’.  It is particularly urgent he attend to this as they are breeding with the standard issue vacuum cleaners and the offspring have been getting into the ventilation ducts.

I should hope, for the sake of all concerned, that this has nothing to do with the faint sound of crying being reported from the air-vents in Research Level 10 this week.

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS If anyone has seen Agent Barton in the last 5 days please let me or Commander Hill know as Agents Coulson and Romanoff are getting twitchy.

 


	5. Testing Protocols

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief reminder of the need for ethical testing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious  
> Comments and suggestions welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [Research_Development@SHIELD.com](mailto:Research_Development@SHIELD.com) [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)        

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Correct Testing Protocols

I appreciate that Research and Development is currently lacking volunteer test subjects for various projects since the experimental cold cure turned out to have unexpected mutagenic side-effects, but going up to random agents and offering them ‘spiked’ samples of homemade soups, baked goods or pickles with the words ‘Tell me what you think of this’ violates more ethical and procedural protocols than either I, or Agent Coulson, can think of.

That is a LOT of protocols people! Dr Banner informs me it may also invalidate any results obtained through this method.

This practise is to cease immediately and on a related note, this Friday’s bake-sale has been cancelled.

On another related note: If the researcher responsible for the salt-water taffy that paralysed Mr Stark’s vocal cords for a month could report to my office; Commander Hill, Captain Rogers, Agent Coulson and myself would like to thank you in person.

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS For those Agents who did volunteer to test the experimental cold cure, I’m informed if you stop scratching it will eventually go away.

 


	6. Language

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friendly reminder on behalf of Captain Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all email addresses are imaginary  
> Comments and suggestions welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)     

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Appropriate Workplace Language

Captain Rogers has asked me to address the current popular misconception that he is somehow embarrassed or flustered by obscene language or sexual references.

This misconception has resulted in an increased use of off-color language and anecdotes in Captain Rogers’ presence, apparently to see his reaction.

I would add that such conduct is highly inappropriate, unprofessional and deeply disrespectful to Captain Rogers. Any agents who continue to do this will find themselves facing disciplinary action and mandatory attendance at the next Appropriate Workplace Behaviour Seminar

Captain Rogers would like me to remind everyone that, while he has very firm views on what is appropriate conversation in the workplace and in mixed company, he did spend several years in the military as part of an elite special forces unit and thus has a few anecdotes of his own.

He has informed me that anyone who doubts this is welcome to approach him off duty and in private, where he will happily tell you the one about the sink plunger, the jar of mayonnaise and the three Dutch prostitutes.

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS. In a spirit of fair warning; Agent Sitwell informs me that Captain Rogers told him this joke three weeks ago, and he still gets a twitch in his right eye whenever he sees guacamole.

 


	7. Recruitment Policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet another reminder of correct protocol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious   
> Comments and suggestions welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [Human_Resources@SHIELD.com](mailto:Human_Resources@SHIELD.com) [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)   

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Avengers Recruitment Policy

All agents and personnel should be aware that, regardless of what Agent Barton may tell you, if you go through ‘that door’ you are NOT an Avenger.

SHIELD has very clear and precise recruitment and advancement protocols which can be found on the SHIELD Intranet under ‘Human Resources’

Exceptions to these protocols are only permitted under extraordinary circumstances with the explicit approval of myself or Commander Hill.

The Avengers are, despite appearances to the contrary, an elite Special Response Team.  Membership of this team is determined on a case by case basis by me in conjunction with Captain Rogers.

There are currently no vacancies on the Avengers team, although this will change if Agent Barton does not cease and desist immediately.

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS: If you go through ‘that door’ without taking appropriate steps to discover what is on the other side, you ARE an idiot.


	8. Helicarrier Designation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Correct nomenclature is addressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious  
> Comments and suggestions welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)     

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Nomenclature

All agents and personnel are reminded that the designation of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier is CVN 64 and that is the only designation to be used in official communications, memos and announcements and on any communication frequency

Referring to it as ‘The Skytanic’ is inappropriate, unprofessional and, in the wake of events prior to the Battle of New York, bad for morale.  It wasn’t even particularly funny before then. 

This practise will cease and desist as of the date of this notification.

On a related note; if Agent Barton does not immediately hand in the novelty contact lenses and stop scaring the living sh*t out of everyone, I will be authorising Agent Romanoff to perform additional ‘cognitive recalibration’ with the blunt object of her choice. 

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS Agent Barton is hereby warned that any response of ‘What novelty contact lenses?’ will be met with cognitive recalibration performed by the Hulk

 


	9. Appropriate Workplace Behavior Seminars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The correct approach to disciplinary measures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious  
> Comments and suggestions welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)     

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Appropriate Workplace Behaviour Seminars

The Appropriate Workplace Behaviour Seminars are intended to be ad-hoc disciplinary measures intended to address breaches of appropriate conduct by S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, personnel and consultants.

It is a matter of some concern to Commander Hill and myself that they appear to have become the highlight of the weekly social calendar.  Being assigned to attend these seminars is meant to be a chance to reflect on the standards our organisation expects of its members; not a standing invitation to, and I quote, “The most kick-a** party in S.H.I.E.L.D.”

I would like to observe that is not an expression I expect to see on the S.H.I.E.L.D. Intranet ever again.

Going forward, persons being assigned to attend more than three such seminars in a row will be subject to more severe disciplinary proceedings. 

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS Mr Stark has asked me to remind this week’s attendees that the buffet has a Tex-Mex theme and the dress code is ‘Ay Carramba!”

PPS On an unrelated note; if the Agent who told Thor that ‘Game of Thrones’ is a historical drama could immediately report to the men’s toilet on Deck D Sector 17, they can be the one to explain to a crying Thunder God why we can’t take a detour to visit Winterfell.

 


	10. Mission Reports

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few do's and don't's on the subject of mission reports

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All email addresses are fictitious  
> Reviews, comments and suggestions are welcome

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To: [Office_Admin@SHIELD.com](mailto:Office_Admin@SHIELD.com)  [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)            

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Mission Reports

Following feedback provided to me by Commander Hill, Agents Hand, Coulson, Sitwell, Blake; to name but a few, some essential guidance is required about mission reports.

The Stark Guide to Mission Reports is not to be taken as an authorised SHIELD instruction on the writing of mission reports.  It is safe to say that nothing Mr Stark says or does is an authorised SHIELD anything.

Mission reports must be completed and submitted within twenty fours of returning to base.  Agents who have been exposed to mutagenic substances or other modes of transmutation have within twenty-four hours of being returned to a form capable of written communication.

Reports must contain a clear, precise and detailed account of the mission.  “A total and utter f@ck-up from start to finish”, while it may be clear and precise, lacks the detail to make it an acceptable report.

We need to know exactly where, why, who and with what you f@cked up in order to determine whether simple compensation or major diplomatic/military intervention is required to fix it.

Reports must detail each agent involved in the mission by name or codename/designation; i.e. Agent Coulson, Black Widow, Agent 17 etc.  Nicknames and ‘pet’ names are NOT to be used, even if we all know who ‘Agent Cuddlebunny’ is.  These reports will be around long after your Cuddlebunny is someone else’s Lovemuffin.

Terms such as ‘rugous’ ‘favoelate’ and ‘squamous’ should only be used if the mission did in fact involve dealing with eldritch horrors indescribable in conventional human language.

There is no excuse for using the words ‘moist’ or ‘gusset’; especially not in the same sentence.

I would remind you that it is each agent’s responsibility to complete their own mission report, regardless of who they are. Completing another agent’s report for them, or inciting another agent to complete a report on your behalf, is a disciplinary offence.

On that note, I would like to remind all agents and admin staff that Thor Odinson is perfectly capable of writing his own mission reports in standard form when he wants to, and doing it for him will still result in disciplinary measures regardless of whether he is offering a trip on the Bifrost, a bottle of Asgardian Mead, a baby bilgesnipe or ‘five minutes of flexing’ as recompense.

With regard to the latter, I would like to remind Thor that the next Appropriate Workplace Behaviour Seminar is on Friday at 3pm and Mr Stark asks if you could bring the potato salad.

Nicholas J Fury

Director

PS Thor would like me to pass out a reminder that a Bilgesnipe is for life, not just for Yule.


	11. Questions of Morale II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supporting one's colleagues is important, but there are limits

From: [director@SHIELD.com](mailto:director@SHIELD.com)

To:  [All_Agents@SHIELD.com](mailto:All_Agents@SHIELD.com)    

Cc: [TStark@sgindustries.com](mailto:TStark@sgindustries.com) [TOdinson@sgindustries.com](mailto:TOdinson@sgindustries.com) [SRogers@smail.com](mailto:SRogers@smail.com) [BBanner@sgindustries.com](mailto:BBanner@sgindustries.com) [CBarton@SHIELD.com](mailto:CBarton@SHIELD.com) [NRomanoff@SHIELD.com](mailto:NRomanoff@SHIELD.com)

Subject: Question of Morale II

As Director, I understand the duties required of S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents and personnel can be onerous, challenging and stressful.  While S.H.I.E.L.D. does have an extensive network of counselors and therapists, the support and encouragement of one’s comrades is recognised as a vital part of sustaining morale.

Having said that, I must remind you that gestures of support and encouragement should be appropriate to the rank and gender of the parties involved, and their degree of acquaintance.  There can be a fine line between a friendly hug and a place on the waiting list for the next available Appropriate Workplace Behaviour seminar.

On that note, we are all aware that Agent Barton can get ‘needy’ when Agents Coulson and Romanoff are away for extended periods of time; however regardless of what he may say, you are not required to let him sit on your lap while you croon him to sleep with Russian lullabies.

This does not appear to be breaking any current regulations, but life around here is disturbing enough without having to run into that in the Break Room.

“I’m afraid of being used for target practise if I say no” is an understandable excuse

“I like the way his hair smells” will guarantee an immediate psychiatric evaluation, even if he is using that new coconut shampoo.

I would also remind certain agents that learning Russian lullabies should be done on their own time, not in working hours. 

Nicholas J Fury

Director

P.S.  Yes, of course we know what you’re accessing on YouTube.  Remember who you work for, people!

P.P.S.  Agent Barton, go the f**k to sleep!

 


End file.
